New Hardcore Husky advice column

Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

Life has been rough for me in recent years. I've had many friends inexplicably off themselves for no reason. They leave my place wearing a jaunty vest to never come back. I started wondering if it had something to do with me? Am I driving them to the point of not wanting to live any more? Makes one start feeling very insecure about his behavior and interaction with others.

That's just my personal life. Work has been no picnic. Some of my competitors have found ways to steal business from me. One of the worst offenders is @"Yousef_#1UberDriver" and I can't seem to one-up him.

I just want to find happiness at home and success at work.

Any advice would be welcome.

Signed,

Seeking Happiness In Tehran
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Dear SHIT,

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friends to suicide. It’s a public health crisis that is terrorizing the world, especially in the West. To lose someone you care about in that way makes it feel like a bomb has gone off, and your world is obliterated.

Editor’s Note, if you or anyone you know has thoughts of harming themselves, please call 800-273-8255.[/i]

We can never know why so many great guys take their lives. Maybe they felt uncomfortable with their sexuality. Who’s to say?

What’s important is to stop thinking so much about external things, and turn your attention inward. For example, maybe stop being such a shitty driver. By focusing on things that under your control you’ll not only find a renewed sense of self worth, but also maybe get the success at work you desire.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

I like this boy. A lot. I upvote all of his posts on social media, and I gave him my phone number. I even started flirting with another sports writer to make him jealous. Why hasn’t he called? Am I not pretty enough? What am I doing wrong?

Signed,

Without a Beau in Bellevue
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Dear WABIB,

My dear girl, there are two things a woman should never chase: men and drinks. Any man worth your time will pursue you. It’s clear this writer is not interested.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

I know another person already discussed an Uber driver but I'm concerned for my safety when I call Uber. I believe in the separation of church and state and also in the separation of religion and ride sharing but my driver keeps repeating Allah Akbar. When I asked him to stop, he just says death to infidels. Am I the infidel in this situation? Should I consider using @tap1thur29weretaken ride share platform instead?

Uber tolerant of all religions unless they want me to die in Gorst
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Dear UTOARUTWMTDIG,

You should thank your lucky stars anyone willingly lets you get into their vehicle. If the driver says or does anything that offends you, ask them to stop, exit the car, and give them a one star rating on the app.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

I'm looking for a hard hitting Christmas gift selection for the Mrs. Can you think of anything?

Sincerely,

good looks, a personality and a concrete peeper.
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Dear DLAPAACP,

While I doubt you’re actually married, I will say most women will never turn down expensive jewelry, a fashionable designer handbag, or cunninglingus. But go with whatever fits your budget.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders ,
Since the lockdown, I've become obsessed with homemade donuts. At this point, I've probably eaten my own weight in these greasy delights. It's gotten to the point that I need the smell of hot lard to achieve arousal. Do you think this is a problem?

Frying in the Fryelands
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders
My doctor said to stop smoking and drinking. Can I get a second opinion?
 
@HardcoreAnnLanders for years I’ve tried pick up line suggestions found by the pussyslayers on this bored but have ‘struck out’ (baseball reference on a football board! :blush: ) every time. What am I doing wrong??

View attachment 36997

View attachment 31919
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Dear SpoonieLuv,

You clearly have no game and should certainly not seek advice on romance from a bunch of basement dwelling losers. I would avoid using any pick up lines in the future - in fact, maybe you should avoid trying to pickup anyone entirely.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders

I've organized a few Hardcore Husky Orgies, and the only people to come are @"Yousef_#1UberDriver" @alopeciadawg and @CFetters_Nacho_Lover This led to some disappointment as Yousef was easily too hairy for alopecia, and alopecia not hair enough for Yousef. Fetters was there for the complimentary nacho bar and pegging tutorial. How can I garner more interest for the Hardcore Husky Orgy™?

Sincerely
I should have used water based lube during the tutorial
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

There's a notorious bully who frequents the same hobby board as me. He's usually nice to me, but sometimes I see him picking on some of the bigger retards of the board and it makes me uncomfortable. How do I go about telling him that he should lay off these retards without making him dislike me and subsequently become the new victim of his bullying?

Sincerely,
Desperately Needing Counsel
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

The gas station is forcing me to go on assignment to the Covid dens of North Georgia. Should I quit and take a less respectable job like sales or get into that coding class at Bangalore Tech I’ve been hereing about? Or should I accept my fate and go get Covid at some Dukes of Hazzard bar?

Signed,

Mr. 93 Octane in Eugene
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders ,
Since the lockdown, I've become obsessed with homemade donuts. At this point, I've probably eaten my own weight in these greasy delights. It's gotten to the point that I need the smell of hot lard to achieve arousal. Do you think this is a problem?

Frying in the Fryelands
Click to expand...

Dear FITF,

Many people use wine, oysters, or a snort of cocaine off a hooker’s ass as aphrodisiacs. I don’t see why baked goods are any different. Olfactory stimuli can be powerful.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders
My doctor said to stop smoking and drinking. Can I get a second opinion?
Click to expand...

Dear Mr. Bannon,

You should always listen to the advice of your doctor. Though it might be a bad day for it, stop smoking and drinking. Begin taking amphetamines. Start sniffing glue.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders

I've organized a few Hardcore Husky Orgies, and the only people to come are @"Yousef_#1UberDriver" @alopeciadawg and @CFetters_Nacho_Lover This led to some disappointment as Yousef was easily too hairy for alopecia, and alopecia not hair enough for Yousef. Fetters was there for the complimentary nacho bar and pegging tutorial. How can I garner more interest for the Hardcore Husky Orgy™?

Sincerely
I should have used water based lube during the tutorial
Click to expand...

Dear ISHUWBLDTT,

It sounds like you’re not casting a wide enough net. Consider putting a post promoting the event on other Washington Husky football forums. I did a quick Google search and it appears Dawgman.com or RealDawg.com might be good places to start. I’m sure there would be many people there interested in attending your next orgy.
 
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Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

There's a notorious bully who frequents the same hobby board as me. He's usually nice to me, but sometimes I see him picking on some of the bigger retards of the board and it makes me uncomfortable. How do I go about telling him that he should lay off these retards without making him dislike me and subsequently become the new victim of his bullying?

Sincerely,
Desperately Needing Counsel
Click to expand...

Dear DNC,

Cyber bullies can hide behind a mask of anonymity online and do not need direct physical access to their victims to do unimaginable harm, so you’re right to tread lightly. Before broaching the subject with him, you might want to bully some of the other posters yourself. This will not only help you gain his his trust, but you’ll mitigate the risk of retaliation as he knows you might fight back.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

The gas station is forcing me to go on assignment to the Covid dens of North Georgia. Should I quit and take a less respectable job like sales or get into that coding class at Bangalore Tech I’ve been hereing about? Or should I accept my fate and go get Covid at some Dukes of Hazzard bar?

Signed,

Mr. 93 Octane in Eugene
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Dear 93OIE,

The pandemic has definitely added new challenges in the workplace. It’s very difficult to pump gasoline and restock Slim Jims like you used to with added layers of PPE and social distancing. While I think it’s unfair for your employer to ask you to travel during this time, dying of COVID in redneck Georgia is a far better fate than having to live in some Oregon hellhole.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,
I have a penis that is shaped like a can of corn. Drug addiction, alcoholism and laziness as a youth led me away from being a learned man and to an industry where I stack items that happen look like my dick every day. I achieve orgasm at work without trying. I don’t even have to touch myself because I AM touching myself, 24 times per case, 80 cases per pallet, pallet after pallet for seventeen years. Sometimes I use one hand to stack the cans. Sometimes I put two cans in one hand while I put them on the shelf. Sometimes I’ll use two hands, a can in each hand. I wear adult diapers to work. Anyway, what should I do about my local college football team continuing to extend below average position coaches? It’s really frustrating.

Concerned and nervous
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,
I have a penis that is shaped like a can of corn. Drug addiction, alcoholism and laziness as a youth led me away from being a learned man and to an industry where I stack items that happen look like my dick every day. I achieve orgasm at work without trying. I don’t even have to touch myself because I AM touching myself, 24 times per case, 80 cases per pallet, pallet after pallet for seventeen years. Sometimes I use one hand to stack the cans. Sometimes I put two cans in one hand while I put them on the shelf. Sometimes I’ll use two hands, a can in each hand. I wear adult diapers to work. Anyway, what should I do about my local college football team continuing to extend below average position coaches? It’s really frustrating.

Concerned and nervous
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Dear CAN,

You might want to consider taking a position at Costco, where the cans of corn are much bigger and will no longer remind you of your cylindrical shaped member. Be warned though, you might start to have chronic feelings of inadequacy.

As for the your college’s position coaches, set up a fake 247 and Twitter account posing as a 5-star high school recruit. Catfish them to the point where they’ll want to do an in house visit and then lock them in the attic until the season is over. Use another burner account to start a rumor that they’ve accepted a job at Texas. Problem solved.
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders

I was visiting a friend the other day - we kept our social distancing of course, and yelled loudly across the field at each other. He asked me, 'How's the sex life?'
I answered in a sarcastic voice and yelled 'it is going so well I am thinking of asking my wife to join in'
Because we were yelling across the field due to Covid, my wife heard me. We had a discussion about this and she thinks I have been maybe masturbating too much. I admitted to her to only doing that when a sporting event is on, so she felt better because of UW sports the past couple of years.

So my question is - do you think I should get cable/satellite TV hook ups so I have more sporting events?

Signed

PS Try to not reply while a sporting event is on if you know what I mean
 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders,

There's a notorious bully who frequents the same hobby board as me. He's usually nice to me, but sometimes I see him picking on some of the bigger retards of the board and it makes me uncomfortable. How do I go about telling him that he should lay off these retards without making him dislike me and subsequently become the new victim of his bullying?

Sincerely,
D[/i][/b]esperately N[/i][/b]eeding C[/i][/b]ounsel
Click to expand...

I didn't catch this until the reply. Then I laffed like an idiot hyena.

 
Dear @HardcoreAnnLanders

I've organized a few Hardcore Husky Orgies, and the only people to come are @"Yousef_#1UberDriver" @alopeciadawg and @CFetters_Nacho_Lover This led to some disappointment as Yousef was easily too hairy for alopecia, and alopecia not hair enough for Yousef. Fetters was there for the complimentary nacho bar and pegging tutorial. How can I garner more interest for the Hardcore Husky Orgy™?

Sincerely
I should have used water based lube during the tutorial
Click to expand...

Mr. Hooligan, I do not understand this. This @"Yousef_#1UberDriver" clown lies in utter viciousness yet you invite him to message board festivities.

Know that he is a lie. If you are standing by Yousef, it is only to stab him in the heart with your venomous dagger!
 
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