The field.
I was at an away football game back in the day to watch my older brother. It was in Washougal. There was one, single toilet, bathroom beneath the stands. I had an emergency shit and, after waiting behind about 10 guys who fortunately were only taking pisses, I finally had my turn.
So I'm locking the door behind me and hurriedly getting my pants undone with my other hand, I take a glance at the toilet. It was literally overflowing with empty cups and paper nacho trays and at leat a six pack of empty beer bottles. There was a curled turd and a wad of toilet paper on top of it all and the toilet was running. The center of the debris pile and the curled turd on top stuck up higher than the seat.
So yeah, I squatted over that mess and exploded. I think I managed it unscathed, but the funny part was that when I came out there was still a line and one of my friends was in it, waiting to take his own emergency shit. I told him about it and he ended up finding some bushes by the parking lot, tool a shit, and ripped off his underwear to wipe.
Oh that's some funny shit. Popped my cookies.
Confirmed though, we? need an OFFICIAL Emergency Shit Curled Turd Thread.
Probably back in February I took some horse paste for preventative measures and didn't know one of the most common side effects - a blow out. Had gone to eat with one of my two dads and he wanted to go for a walk after. So we go. About a quarter of the way into the walk I determine that I need to shit and nothing is gonna stop it.
We hustle back down the trail as fast as I possibly could possibly waddle despite the mounting pressure that was making movement difficult. Thankfully there was a honey bucket/port-a-potty ( @Pitchfork51 ) at the beginning of the trail. It was marvelously clean for one of those - legit could have been cleaned that day. However I take no chances and didn't have time to cover the seat with TP so attempt to squat over the top of the seat. This isn't working too well because the shit keeps coming and I need to sit - so I do - and finish the job. Pretty sure the entire intestine cleaned out.
None the less I creak upward and start the wipe process. Then I notice something is wrong. Very wrong. I look back behind me and realize that not only is there shit all over the seat, but I've sat square in them middle of the pile without realizing it.
Took a roll-and-a-half to get me, myself and the toilet seat cleaned up. No sanitizer in the porta but thankfully the old man had some in the car before I got in.
CSB. FML. FJB. LGB.