Hire some guy that is recently divorced or has the ugliest wife so they are actually motivated to be successful.
I would rather a miserable fuck that hates his family sleep in the office and fail trying than some happy go lucky dipshit cruising around in his purple charger and fancy boat not even put in the work and still sucking.
There was an actual study that said most CEOs were ugly and unpopular in school so they got even
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Not true, long explanation follows - skip to last paragraph for my new coach suggestion related to this.
There has been a ton of studies on appearance and life satisfaction, success, hiring, job choice, academics, pay, etc. The results almost always show the same: good looks increase your odds of success, and your pay. People also like you more, because you’re self confident and not a cunt from years of emotional pain.
There are some caveats. You benefit more from the opposite sex, and those of the same sex who are in the same range could see you as a rival.
My favorite study is one that ranked men and women 1-10 based on their high school yearbook photo and then tracked them over 30 or 40 years.
The likeliest to succeed? Women who were a 9 or 10 because they married the most successful men. For men the least likely to succeed were the 10s. Because they were the likeliest to be given other opportunities early in life to fuck up their lives. Kids earlier, skipping school to bang the 8s, etc. For men being a 7 or around there yielded the best results.
Contrary to the ‘ugly men succeed theory‘ the real uggos didn’t fare all that well. Look at the Fortune 500s CEOs. They’ve made composites, and even including the women, techies, and minorities, the result is a middle aged white guy with above average looks. I’m not saying the ugly can’t succeed, so there’s hope for you yet certain young man on here.
The being bullied thing has also been studied a lot. In a not shocking development being bullied, being a bully, or a victim-bully who is both, all lead to being less likely to succeed and more likely to wind up in the justice system, etc. Anything else they tell kids in school, like your bully will be an unsuccessful adult loser who will clean your toilets is usually not true. Those bullies will either be in prison or their boss, depending on their socio-economic background. On the whole it’s better to be Richie Incognito than Jonathan Martin, and it’s better to be Jonathan Martin than the kid he bullied when he was in school.
I guess what I’m trying to say is: Washington should look past his two weeks in Eugene as a Duck and hire Richie Incognito. Proven NFL success, has both Nebraska classy and Bellotti Bold backgrounds, makes fun of Stanford nerds, tough and will actually run the damn ball, can cheat with impunity as every reporter will be scared of him, willing to decapitate the corpse of his own father for science so the academics will love him. It’s the perfect hire.