Announcement for the Bored (I hate myself so I am getting married)

[Swaye]

Little Swaye better be a half-brain if you raised him wrong

Do not find out the sex for like 8 more weeks, but if God has any kind of a sense of humor it will be a girl. I'll reach out to @Doog_de_Jour to find out how to make her a DWAG fan for life. If she will just drop the restraining order. Wedding present maybe?

Oh my goodness! I’m so excited for you!!! My attorney will be crushed as all the billable hours he’s charged me for filing *multiple* restraining orders against you have put two of kids through private school...but FTG.

Anyway I’m rushing out to buy those Mr. and Mrs. fondue sets on your Bed Bath and Beyond wedding registry now...

View attachment 20015

I thought you were the one, but I see my ham handed fixation on you, and climbing through your bedroom window, made ours a forbidden love. Thanks for this late stage forgiveness, and I truly look forward to my fondue set.

Yours lovingly,

Big (lie) Red
XOXOXOXOXOXXO

 

[Swaye]

View attachment 20016

Jesus I am begging one of you to kill me if I ever do anything this gay.

 

[Swaye]

View attachment 20021

Dude looks like a cross between me and Baze. Too terroristy.

 

[Swaye]

Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.

Classics Board. Immediately. Fucking Bullseye.

Yeah, the shit people have laid down in this thread is hysterical. Certainly an all timer. Not moving it yet though because there might be more Facebook funsies or wedding advice nuggets I cannot live without.

Also, FRANNY!

 

[Swaye]

Jesus.... this thread is an all-timer. Page after page of top quality shit.

Mazel tov, @Swaye.... you're a really good dude, and this shithole is a happier and funnier place for having you around. I hope you don't disappear.

God speed,
gunt

Thanks dude. Shit man, I'm not going anywhere. I told her straight up, I'll give up the drugs and hookers, and tone down the alcoholism for you, but never come between a man and his Jeep, deer hunting, and football addiction. Made her sign a contract. Those three things were all that was there. Her contract for me (think they call it a prenup?) was 12 pages long and required witnesses and a lawyer (you really fucked me there @creepycoug ). I did mine on a napkin and had Clem at the bar notarize it.

 

[CFetters_Nacho_Lover]

Hope yer good at NTD, BB. Cause that's gonna be it for a while chief.

Thanks for keeping the secret lo these many moons. And yes, I have noticed she is super horned up right now (newly preggers?), but figure after the honeymoon is the end of my sexual life. Lucky for me I have put on 15[/s] 20 pounds in the 2 years we've been together. Since it's all over i may just say fuck it and throw on about 100 more and go for the Fetters physique. [/b]

Ladies love me and the girls adore me.

 

[CFetters_Nacho_Lover]

Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.

This is highly accurate. Also the driver of a ton of unneccessary expenses. Like I said before I lucked out and married a minimalist but if CLS isn’t one, keep her off social media and especially Pinterest.

I call it "competitive momming." Live in Yuppyville like me, and it's even worse. You're made to feel guilty for not putting your kids in expensive private schools or after-school programs, not getting them the best things, not sacrificing as much as the other mom. I'm so sick of watching my friends' wives climb up on their crosses and then complain about it.[/b]

Holy shit. I thought only my ex-wife/kid's mom did this.

 

[dnc]

Jesus.... this thread is an all-timer. Page after page of top quality shit.

Mazel tov, @Swaye.... you're a really good dude, and this shithole is a happier and funnier place for having you around. I hope you don't disappear.

God speed,
gunt

Thanks dude. Shit man, I'm not going anywhere. I told her straight up, I'll give up the drugs and hookers, and tone down the alcoholism for you, but never come between a man and his Jeep, deer hunting, and football addiction. Made her sign a contract. Those three things were all that was there. [/b]Her contract for me (think they call it a prenup?) was 12 pages long and required witnesses and a lawyer (you really fucked me there @creepycoug ). I did mine on a napkin and had Clem at the bar notarize it.

Congratulations to @Doogles for the upcoming additions to his watch collection!

 

[Swaye]

Jesus.... this thread is an all-timer. Page after page of top quality shit.

Mazel tov, @Swaye.... you're a really good dude, and this shithole is a happier and funnier place for having you around. I hope you don't disappear.

God speed,
gunt

Thanks dude. Shit man, I'm not going anywhere. I told her straight up, I'll give up the drugs and hookers, and tone down the alcoholism for you, but never come between a man and his Jeep, deer hunting, and football addiction. Made her sign a contract. Those three things were all that was there. [/b]Her contract for me (think they call it a prenup?) was 12 pages long and required witnesses and a lawyer (you really fucked me there @creepycoug ). I did mine on a napkin and had Clem at the bar notarize it.

Congratulations to @Doogles for the upcoming additions to his watch collection!

Yeah, that was a pretty glaring oversight. I am sure I will lose those in the chinevitable divorce. Maybe I should just sell to Doogles now and bury the money in the back yard.

 

[Pitchfork51]

My takeaway is that if I find out swayes real name is Patrick....I'm gone.

No warning. Just gone

 

[dnc]

My takeaway is that if I find out swayes real name is Patrick....I'm gone.

No warning. Just gone

#DressyCasual

 

[TurdBomber]

Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.

Classics Board. Immediately. Fucking Bullseye.

Yeah, the shit people have laid down in this thread is hysterical. Certainly an all timer. Not moving it yet though because there might be more Facebook funsies or wedding advice nuggets I cannot live without.

Also, FRANNY!

Honeymooning in Maltby?

 

[BleachedAnusDawg]

It took seeing three different references to @Swaye getting married and having a kid for me to click on this announcement. I never pay attention to the announcement threads, and now I am shaking and about to vomit.

Best white man name for Swaye would be Jake. Can't get enough of Jake hawt talk on this board.

What I want to know is if you're upgrading to a two-room teepee with the little one on the way, or maybe even springing for one of those long halls like they have at Tillicum Village?

Can we assume the dinner menu for the wedding reception consists of various corn dishes, smoked salmon, and whale blubber?

 

[TurdBomber]

I’m Surprised more of you idiots haven’t figured out that you can counter the women bullshit Facebook competitiveness with other things in the opposite direction.

As someone who is a fuckup at everything except fixing things around the house or cooking a steak I look like a fucking god compared to a lot of the degenerative fuckstick stories that get posted here. My wife has a username here just because I sent her enough links with a bunch of your stories/comments.

Makes me look not too bad in comparison.

Got caught flirting with her friend? well at least I didn’t have her friend on the sink at a friends house

Talk like an idiot about politics? At least I don’t sound like Hondo or Freeme

Get drunk and throw up in the Uber after a wedding party and got the car towed after leaving it illegally parked in front of a police station? Hey at least I didn’t drive our car 100 mph into a tree.

Same goes for TV, flip on something like 90 day fiancé or whatever trailer trash show on TLC is on and suddenly you are competent in comparison.

Humans only measure things relatively, don’t try and raise yourself up, just lower the perception of the bar.

Far easier.

I'm taping this to my bathroom mirror.

My son's, too.

 

[dirtysouwfdawg]

It took seeing three different references to @Swaye getting married and having a kid for me to click on this announcement. I never pay attention to the announcement threads, and now I am shaking and about to vomit.

Best white man name for Swaye would be Jake. Can't get enough of Jake hawt talk on this board.

What I want to know is if you're upgrading to a two-room teepee with the little one on the way, or maybe even springing for one of those long halls like they have at Tillicum Village?

Can we assume the dinner menu for the wedding reception consists of various corn dishes, smoked salmon, and whale blubber?

You forgot the peace pipes, I believe that’s an essential bowl for dinner as well.

 

[Swaye]

It took seeing three different references to @Swaye getting married and having a kid for me to click on this announcement. I never pay attention to the announcement threads, and now I am shaking and about to vomit.

Best white man name for Swaye would be Jake. Can't get enough of Jake hawt talk on this board.

What I want to know is if you're upgrading to a two-room teepee with the little one on the way, or maybe even springing for one of those long halls like they have at Tillicum Village?

Can we assume the dinner menu for the wedding reception consists of various corn dishes, smoked salmon, and whale blubber?

You are thinking of PNW Injuns. For our appetizer we are serving roasted grubs, followed by corn, and then buffalo (wings). Open bar stocked only with firewater, and snakes and sparklers for the kiddies. Mescaline doled out in the trailer behind the bowling alley.

 

[Swaye]

Also changed the title to better reflect what's happening in here.

 

[UW_Doog_Bot]

It took seeing three different references to @Swaye getting married and having a kid for me to click on this announcement. I never pay attention to the announcement threads, and now I am shaking and about to vomit.

Best white man name for Swaye would be Jake. Can't get enough of Jake hawt talk on this board.

What I want to know is if you're upgrading to a two-room teepee with the little one on the way, or maybe even springing for one of those long halls like they have at Tillicum Village?

Can we assume the dinner menu for the wedding reception consists of various corn dishes, smoked salmon, and whale blubber?

You are thinking of PNW Injuns. For our appetizer we are serving roasted grubs, followed by corn, and then buffalo (wings). Open bar stocked only with firewater, and snakes and sparklers for the kiddies. Mescaline doled out in the trailer behind the bowling alley.[/b]

@backthepack and I confirmed crashing at this point. Don't mind what we slip in the punch bowl. It's all for the best.

 

[Swaye]

It took seeing three different references to @Swaye getting married and having a kid for me to click on this announcement. I never pay attention to the announcement threads, and now I am shaking and about to vomit.

Best white man name for Swaye would be Jake. Can't get enough of Jake hawt talk on this board.

What I want to know is if you're upgrading to a two-room teepee with the little one on the way, or maybe even springing for one of those long halls like they have at Tillicum Village?

Can we assume the dinner menu for the wedding reception consists of various corn dishes, smoked salmon, and whale blubber?

You are thinking of PNW Injuns. For our appetizer we are serving roasted grubs, followed by corn, and then buffalo (wings). Open bar stocked only with firewater, and snakes and sparklers for the kiddies. Mescaline doled out in the trailer behind the bowling alley.[/b]

@backthepack and I confirmed crashing at this point. Don't mind what we slip in the punch bowl. It's all for the best.

This is actually exactly how I picture you two. I'll let you guess who I think has the porn stache.

 

[DoogCourics]

I’m Surprised more of you idiots haven’t figured out that you can counter the women bullshit Facebook competitiveness with other things in the opposite direction.

As someone who is a fuckup at everything except fixing things around the house or cooking a steak I look like a fucking god compared to a lot of the degenerative fuckstick stories that get posted here. My wife has a username here just because I sent her enough links with a bunch of your stories/comments.

Makes me look not too bad in comparison.

Got caught flirting with her friend? well at least I didn’t have her friend on the sink at a friends house

Talk like an idiot about politics? At least I don’t sound like Hondo or Freeme

Get drunk and throw up in the Uber after a wedding party and got the car towed after leaving it illegally parked in front of a police station? Hey at least I didn’t drive our car 100 mph into a tree.

Same goes for TV, flip on something like 90 day fiancé or whatever trailer trash show on TLC is on and suddenly you are competent in comparison.

Humans only measure things relatively, don’t try and raise yourself up, just lower the perception of the bar.

Far easier.

I constantly share with Mrs. Courics shit from this site. It reinforces the idea that my slow strategy white lifestyle is the perfect match for stable and secure for a long term life.

Meanwhile I get my fix of living life dangerously by proxy of you degenerate fucks.

And enough Chins cannot be given for the reality trash tv recommendation to paint yourself in the light of the old gods.

As a 30 year old Mrs. Courics is still interested in MTV. But those reality shows are full of guys lying straight to every girl’s face just to fuck them and move on. But it’s on camera and we as viewers get to see every moment. I look like the greatest man who ever lived compared to these fucks.

But TLC, every reality show on that channel is full of complete fucking retards. 90 Day Fiancé, Love After Lockup, etc keep her entertained with a glass of wine and make me look like Einstein.

All told a slow strategy faithful husband who watches too much sports, drinks too much whiskey, and stalks teen bois looks like the greatest decision of her life.