Announcement for the Bored (I hate myself so I am getting married)

Already been PMed and NO, none of you are invited to the wedding. Jesus. As if shit wasn't bad enough, imagine my new in-laws joy at getting to meet @CuntWaffle , @PurpleThrobber and @Rapeculturedawg .
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So in other words, you'll be hiding the Hardcore Husky part of your identity from your wife? I've seen a lot of romantic comedies, so I know how this is gonna play out.
 
Little Swaye better be a half-brain if you raised him wrong
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Do not find out the sex for like 8 more weeks, but if God has any kind of a sense of humor it will be a girl. I'll reach out to @Doog_de_Jour to find out how to make her a DWAG fan for life. If she will just drop the restraining order. Wedding present maybe?
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It would be peak irony if she turned into a tatted up slut someday.

Worry bout u Swaye!
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God hates me. This is 100% my future. She will probably end up in porn.
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Maybe she will end up her mother’s daughter and do shit like play tennis and wear polo shirts. Feel free to shoot me her number in about 18 years!
 
Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.
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This is highly accurate. Also the driver of a ton of unneccessary expenses. Like I said before I lucked out and married a minimalist but if CLS isn’t one, keep her off social media and especially Pinterest.
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I call it "competitive momming." Live in Yuppyville like me, and it's even worse. You're made to feel guilty for not putting your kids in expensive private schools or after-school programs, not getting them the best things, not sacrificing as much as the other mom. I'm so sick of watching my friends' wives climb up on their crosses and then complain about it.
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This shit is hysterical. I didn't even know this existed. Think of all the retarded husband and Dad shit I don;t know but will be learning...
 
Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.
Click to expand...

This is highly accurate. Also the driver of a ton of unneccessary expenses. Like I said before I lucked out and married a minimalist but if CLS isn’t one, keep her off social media and especially Pinterest.
Click to expand...

I call it "competitive momming." Live in Yuppyville like me, and it's even worse. You're made to feel guilty for not putting your kids in expensive private schools or after-school programs, not getting them the best things, not sacrificing as much as the other mom. I'm so sick of watching my friends' wives climb up on their crosses and then complain about it.
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East Queen Anne is the epicenter of competitive mommying in our region.
 
Fuck marriage sounds horrible.
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Pretty sure we had a fight six months ago and this was the exact quote:

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Really looking forward to the next 30 years together. She will probably shoot me.
 
Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.
Click to expand...

Facebook is the reason the world is a miserable nightmare for everyone.
 
Alright. Well, from one retard who's already hit that figurative eject button, here's my biggest tip:

Once that baby's out, keep CLS the fuck away from Facebook and social media in general. That shit is designed in a lab to turn new mothers into competitive, overemotional monsters. Freaking squirrels have babies (and more at a time than humans at that), and yet Facebook convinces every new mother that "the miracle of birth" endows them with mythical hero status. And your alien-looking wiggling skin pile of a baby is the cutest thing on the planet and DEFINITELY already a genius because it pointed at that one thing that one time when the books say that shouldn't happen for another two weeks, but fuck Alice and her shit ugly baby that's too stupid to roll over yet.
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Facebook is the reason the world is a miserable nightmare for everyone.
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Sometimes it can be used for good.

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So she’s younger, you’re older and Indian. When you chinevitably die sooner, will she be required to cut off a finger in mourning, as is the custom with your people?
 
Already been PMed and NO, none of you are invited to the wedding. Jesus. As if shit wasn't bad enough, imagine my new in-laws joy at getting to meet @CuntWaffle , @PurpleThrobber and @Rapeculturedawg .
Click to expand...

So in other words, you'll be hiding the Hardcore Husky part of your identity from your wife? I've seen a lot of romantic comedies, so I know how this is gonna play out.
Click to expand...

I tried to hide it, but a night of heavy drinking led to me showing my now wife some post on here i thought was real hilarious.. not realizing that my username was at the top of the screen... it was the first word to be read...
 
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So she’s younger, you’re older and Indian. When you chinevitably die sooner, will she be required to cut off a finger in mourning, as is the custom with your people?
Click to expand...

Yes, and bury me outside on a scaffold she builds herself and ties together with her own hair. The only downer is she is also supposed to cover me in blankets, which will delight many assholes here.

The shitty reality is since I am 15 years older than her, and dudes already live shorter lives, and my years have been "hard living" years, she will probably bury me in her mid-50s and then use all my Orkin savings on the next asshole. Her devious white devil plan all along?
 
Already been PMed and NO, none of you are invited to the wedding. Jesus. As if shit wasn't bad enough, imagine my new in-laws joy at getting to meet @CuntWaffle , @PurpleThrobber and @Rapeculturedawg .
Click to expand...

So in other words, you'll be hiding the Hardcore Husky part of your identity from your wife? I've seen a lot of romantic comedies, so I know how this is gonna play out.
Click to expand...

I tried to hide it, but a night of heavy drinking led to me showing my now wife some post on here i thought was real hilarious.. not realizing that my username was at the top of the screen... it was the first word to be read...
Click to expand...
And when she didn't leave you that's when you knew she was the one
 
Last edited:
So she’s younger, you’re older and Indian. When you chinevitably die sooner, will she be required to cut off a finger in mourning, as is the custom with your people?
Click to expand...

Yes, and bury me outside on a scaffold she builds herself and ties together with her own hair. The only downer is she is also supposed to cover me in blankets, which will delight many assholes here.

The shitty reality is since I am 15 years older than her, and dudes already live shorter lives, and my years have been "hard living" years, she will probably bury me in her mid-50s and then use all my Orkin savings on the next asshole. Her devious white devil plan all along?
Click to expand...

Right about the tim @backthepack will be going on a MILF binge...
 
Already been PMed and NO, none of you are invited to the wedding. Jesus. As if shit wasn't bad enough, imagine my new in-laws joy at getting to meet @CuntWaffle , @PurpleThrobber and @Rapeculturedawg .
Click to expand...

So in other words, you'll be hiding the Hardcore Husky part of your identity from your wife? I've seen a lot of romantic comedies, so I know how this is gonna play out.
Click to expand...

I tried to hide it, but a night of heavy drinking led to me showing my now wife some post on here i thought was real hilarious.. not realizing that my username was at the top of the screen... it was the first word to be read...
Click to expand...
And when she didn't leave you that's when you knew she was the one
Click to expand...

It was the true test.
 
So she’s younger, you’re older and Indian. When you chinevitably die sooner, will she be required to cut off a finger in mourning, as is the custom with your people?
Click to expand...

Yes, and bury me outside on a scaffold she builds herself and ties together with her own hair. The only downer is she is also supposed to cover me in blankets, which will delight many assholes here.

The shitty reality is since I am 15 years older than her, and dudes already live shorter lives, and my years have been "hard living" years, she will probably bury me in her mid-50s and then use all my Orkin savings on the next asshole. Her devious white devil plan all along?
Click to expand...

Right about the tim @backthepack will be going on a MILF binge...
Click to expand...

@backthepack if you fuck my wife after I die I will haunt your ass from the spirit world for all tim!
 
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